Random Stupid Stuff

“Work out in style. If knitting is the new yoga, combine the two and knit this great gear.”

While attempting to be somewhat diplomatic, my guess is that a demographic study would reveal that neither the age nor the physique of the model shown here would match that of the average knitter.

Assuming you would want to wear such skimpy clothing while working out in the first place, why would you want your clothing to look like you’ve just spilled an entire tub of Neapolitan ice cream on yourself and then smudged it during a valiant effort to rub it out?

Speaking of Neapolitan ice cream (which is also not supposed to have nuts), major props to the art director for not noticing that the model is looking a bit too masculine “down in front”, packing a bigger mound than most of the males in the L.L. Bean spring catalog.

“Kathleen Taylor’s detailed instructions make this vest… a delight to knit.”

First of all, this is listed as a man’s sweater. Assuming you could find a man willing to wear this sweater, I find it even less likely that you’d find one on whom the sweater would actually fit — it’s just too dámn short. That would explain the reason it was thrown on a park bench instead of being casually sported by a pencil-thin male model.

Worse still, according to the website, the estimated cost of the yarn to make this sweater would be “as little as $64.87!”

Yikes! You can buy a couple of very nice sweaters at Macy’s for that price, and you wouldn’t look like a complete prat.

There are far too many reasons this pattern is on clearance.

“ModaLura [knitting] patterns are designed with a negative wearing ease. Be aware that the finished measurements of the garments will be less than your bust size.”

In other words, the sweater will not fit properly once you finish making it. Someone needs to be smocked, alright!

And, judging by the unfortunate model, you will lose whatever pleasant shape your body might have had in the first place.

On the plus side, if you find yourself alone in an alley, you can disguise yourself as a chain-link fence to fool the muggers.

“Shhhh. Maybe they won’t notice me here, tiddley-pom.”